I would never ever actually do it. But, daily, almost, the thought pops into my head. Is this life really THAT bad?
My 2.5 year old is the strongest person I know. Since giving birth to her, I don’t even recognize the person in the mirror. I used to look much youger than my age. Today, I feel and look like shit, I have aged at least a decade. Almost, from the time her feet hit the floor till I have fought with her to go to bed (sometimes for hours)…. Life is a series of endless battles. I mean literally EVERY-FUCKING-THING is a fight.
I try so hard to be a good mom. I try to be creative, take her places, do special things, teach her, spend time playing with her. She is amazing. She is gifted. She met ALL criteria for being gifted (except reading) by 18 months. These criteria are for FOUR year olds.
I read in some of my research, the number one thing parents of gifted children say is, “They are exhausted!”
I am exhausted. Everyday. We moved into a new house five days before I went I to labor with her. Then, 3 times since. We are again in a place where I have no family, friends, OR help. I don’t get a break.”Me time” is damn near impossible.
If both kids were like my son, I would probably be just fine.
I get so frustrated with the battles. My biggest fear is she will see the way I feel and it will hurt her self image, hurt her. My other biggest fear is snapping. My mom used to scream and freak out all the time. We felt hated almost. I am sure we were exhausting and frustrating too. I don’t want to scream, and flip out, and degrade my kids, or hurt their self image. I never used to yell, now I do sometimes. I lose my temper. I get angry.
What good does it do except to make me feel worse and her listen less?
In my head I know, she is 2.5. In my head I know, she isn’t doing this on purpose. In my head I know, it isn’t personal. It is really hard to believe it sometimes, though.
I come to tears nearly every day. It is just so fucking hard. Couple that with my trying to be a good mom and feeling like a complete failure, and you have a recipe for guilt.
I am home, all day every day. How women would give anything to be able to do that? How many women would be able to keep perfect organized schedules and time allotments? Perfect dinners? Give perfect attention to everything? I feel like I just waste every day trying to survive. Trying not to snap. Trying.
My sister, or BFF, or mom, or husband call me during the day. I always sound upset, exhausted, unhappy. THAT makes me feel like more of a piece of shit. I feel judged. I feel helpless. I feel like I just want someone to hear me. TO UNDERSTAND. To help me. But, I am just embarrassed when I break down. I feel worse. I feel weak. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I am pathetic….. “You only have two kids? Is it really that hard? What’s going on?”
Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I handle this? Why do I feel like my life has been hijacked? I open my eyes feeling miserable. Then, guilty for feeling this way, Which just leads to more self loathing.
But, here I go, onward with another day. My mind hanging on by a thread. I will just keep trying.
OCD. What. A. Bitch. 