This violently ill nausea comes over me as I fight the thoughts. Usually 7-10 days before my period comes, it gets worse. It over takes me, by the day my period starts, I’m curled up in a ball on the floor of my office, crying, unable to think or act or function. The thoughts won’t stop. The argument, the checking, the reassuring, the endless pits of what ifs.
My dad suffers from the same thing, only, I don’t think he quite yet grips that it’s not real. I was there a year ago, I thought I was going insane. Until I found, “OCD,” I thought I was literally losing my mind.
He told me, just two days ago, he was stringing a rope from the balcony of their house, he tied a vacuum cleaner to the rope to see if it would hold him, if the rope was long enough. His thoughts have tormented him. I think it started years and years ago, but it gets worse. It gets harder. The logical thing to do is to argue, to make it not true. To finally fall on your face, and BEG God, please, don’t let it be true.
The tricky fucked up thing about OCD is, it won’t ever let you really find “true.” No relief. No end. Just more questions, and fear, and anxiety, and crumbling.
I’ve hear other people describe OCD as demonic. When I heard this, I could only agree. It finds the deepest most hidden terrors, and makes you believe they are real. They could happen. Did they happen?
They say the only thing which will help is to stop fighting the thoughts, just observe and let them be there. Unattached. Accept the thoughts. Fuck.
Exposure therapy. Fuck.
Drugs……. what if they make me insane? Psychotic. Shit, it’s right on the bottle, it could happen, it does happen.
So what are we left with? We are left facing down a monster. And that monster is us. I don’t look in the mirror. Since the OCD started, I’m nothing to look at any longer.
The last “thought attack’ has lasted about 6-8 weeks. Some better days where I can at least function, other days, I cannot. It found me. It found my greatest sins, my darkest fears. It showed me they are real. It’s my fault. It’s really happened.
I have always been a fighter, I have been knocked down, destroyed. But there is always this tiny voice inside yelling, “GET UP AND FIGHT.”
This last attack killed her. I shattered. I have no will. I have no strength. It broke me this time.
I am a shell. I will never be the same. The thoughts, the truth. The sickness. It feels like it has won. Destruction.
My father said to me last night, this word I have heard but never paid attention to. Leviathan.
In this sick kind of way, I almost feel peace. A known enemy is better than an unknown enemy.
“They” say, those who have OCD turn to religion, prayer rituals, clinging to church etc. It’s a manifestation of the OCD. Of trying to protect ourselves from what is happening.
Maybe, even considering what I am about to write, just means I have slipped deeper into this hole.
Maybe, I have hit the nail on the head.
First, it’s stated “Leviathan” is a principality. Not a demon. Not a spirit.
Does this OCD feel more horrific than any “bad” experience you gave ever had? Being tormented from the inside of your own mind? Making you lose it on the outside?
Let’s look at the definition of a principality.
“A principality can either be a monarchical feudatory or a sovereign state, ruled or reigned over by a monarch with the title of prince or by a monarch with another title within the generic use of the term prince.”
The second in charge over something/somewhere. A ruler. In charge.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12
Let’s look at the definition of Leviathan.
This is most interesting to me…. “
I found THIS article, “Defeating Leviathan.” I first started reading, and thought, “Oh this isn’t really correct.” But, I read the whole article. The way this principality is described to operate, especially in the Bible, “The monster of the waters,” the author keeps speaking of “a sea of people.”
To me, I thought, each of us has this eternal inside of us, these deep dark waters, OCD feels as if something has found the depths of this place, drug up our own hell, and tormented us with it.
“That twisting serpent,” (Isaiah 27:1), does OCD feel like a twisting serpent?
The author basically goes on to say, it will grab you in it’s jaws, and toss and turn and shake you, like a crocodile does…..until you are so broken, so weak, you give up.
Some interesting quotes from the article,
“The Psalmist spoke in plural about the heads of the dragon. When there are many heads, there is confusion……..The result is confusion and distrust.”- OCD leaves me feeling confused and mistrustful of my own mind.
“Then He said, “Leviathan has come at you in the form or right-ness or righteousness. He is declaring to be right, claiming to be righteous, asserting to stand up for what’s right, not caring who he puts in his jaws to ruin.” -OCD sure feels like it’s right, that’s why we argue to prove it wrong because we so desperately want it to be wrong.
An interesting fast forward from some sermon notes I have inserted below….
“2 Corinthians 10:5 (KJV) 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” – Doesn’t OCD claim to be right? Righteous? Doesn’t it feel like a high thing, exhaulting itself above all. I get this picture in my mind of this giant beast attacking, laughing, holding itself so high and mighty above us, this OCD. Then, I see, casting down it’s claims, and bringing it into captivity and obedience, like a scolded dog, turning down with it’s tail between it’s legs.
Christ. maybe this is so much easier than fighting back.
Maybe, OCD is Leviathan.
Back to the article about Leviathan.
“In Isaiah 27:7 (JKV) he is called the “piercing serpent.” The word “piercing” in Hebrew means roaming, shifting, focusing only on the temporary.”
– OCD surely does roam and shift and focuses on this second……. cause as soon as you get to the bottom of this second it is waiting to shift, and begin roaming all over again.
“Leviathan seems bigger than he is…………….. Part of the devil’s plan is to intimidate you into giving in so he won’t have to fight. Nothing – not even Leviathan’s attack – is ever as bad as it seems.”
– I mean…….we are literally waring with fucking thoughts……….. thoughts for God’s sake!!!! Thoughts that can bring a 68 year old grown man to contemplate hanging himself…… thoughts.
“Leviathan is crooked. Crooked means deceitful. A person who is affected by Leviathan will not give you a straight answer. You feel that you’re dealing with something you can’t nail down. The worst kinds of problems are those you can’t identify. They are nebulous, like “the Blob” in the old horror movie, Leviathan doesn’t walk in the front door and introduce himself. He is crooked, shifty and deceitful.”
-Can you nail down OCD. Can you finally get to the depths of this shifting…… “Aha…..got you!” OCD is deceitful. Crooked.
“Can you draw out the leviathan with a hook, or hold down his tongue with a cord?
He beholds all high things; he is a king over all the sons of pride.” Job 41:1,34
Remember this, over the “sons of pride.”
It’s like this hidden enemy. I have crumbled under the weight of my own mind. My business is falling apart. My marriage. My life. I have tried to pray, to face it. To nail it down. I haven’t been able to as of yet.
I can barely eat. I drink too much coffee, smoke too many cigarettes, try to numb it with Xanax. Make it stop. God, please make it stop. It takes all of my energy to hid it during my children’s waking hours. To not research. Check. Argue. Verify. Fall apart. Cry. Have a panic attack.
I see my husband knowing. He doesn’t know how to stop it. I think he is irritated. He told me this was a spiritual battle from nearly the first moment.
“When God gave me the vision of Leviathan, I also saw it has a thick skin. I asked the Lord why, and He said, “Because you can throw rocks at him. You can hammer him. You can shoot at him with BB guns and pellet guns. You can yell at him. You can scream at him, but his skin is thick. It doesn’t bother him at all.”
I said, “What do we do about him?”
Immediately the scripture came to me, “This kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” (Matthew 127:10)”
I was fasting when this last thought hit me. Over the years I do cleansing fasts, this time was just a short 4 day fast. 3 days fruits and veggies, on the 4th day, pineapple juice and water. That’s when it happened. The thought.
I wasn’t praying and fasting. Only fasting.
I was involved in an online dispute. I said something proud and haughty to another parent, concerning my children compared to theirs. It was on the fourth day, pineapple juice and water.
BAM. The thought attacked me. It was about my daughter. It murdered me inside. I am no longer.
The author of this article talks about Leviathan being the prince/king of the proud.
It’s been almost two months I have wrestled. I emailed the person, and apologized. That will not take back what I said. I prayed to God to heal their heart, to throw my comment into the sea of forgetfulness. Let it be no more. Do not let my words torture and torment them.
I found these sermon notes about a month ago, Notes-11.13.16, some more quotes…..
“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, Our Battle is not against people, it is a spiritual battle with the devil and his demons. He wants to penetrate our mind and our thoughts!”
“A stronghold is any area of our lives where we are held as a captured prisoner, because of the way the devil and his demons have caused us to think, feel and act!”
“Strongholds are first established in the mind; that is why we are to take every, thought captive. Behind a stronghold is also a lie—a place of personal bondage where God’s Word has been subjugated to any unscriptural idea or personally confused belief that is held to be true. Behind every lie is a fear, and behind every fear is an idol. Idols are established wherever there exists a failure to trust in the provisions of God that are ours through Jesus Christ.”
“Satan attempts to defeat us with strategies and deceitfulness with deliberate, well, thought out plans based upon lies, distortions, distractions and deceit.” – Sound familiar?
“Ephesians 6:10-17 (NKJV) 10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;”
One more thought about Leviathan, the author of “Defeating Leviathan,” makes an interesting statement about, as this being turns to leave, it will attempt to wipe you out with it’s tail. One. Final. Swipe.
Avoid this. Be aware of this. Protect yourself from this.
Maybe, we have fought this wrong.
I am feeling like I want to be stronger. I have to be stronger. I have to eat. I have to put on the whole Armor of God, and STAND.
Prayer and fasting.
I am not going to eat during working hours, 9-5. I will be praying this time.
Every time a thought comes, I am going to state, “I refuse to argue with you devil.”
I’m not going to argue.
I’m going to stand.
This is a different kind of battle.
I’m going to watch out for it’s tail.
(Side note, I chose the image for this post after writing, at the bottom of the pic on the page HERE, It states, “Special thanks to Rev. Leviathan for the use of his picture….. wtheck? It’s an interesting read as well.”